so i may need to prioritize a little better. what in my schedule do i need to let go of (note: i don't have a good history with "letting go" of anything, so this may be a challenge)

sundays: beverly hills location (mosaic) for sound check 8:30 a.m. end at 12:30.
be at downtown location at 2 to run rehearsals and set up. end at 8:30.
the days i'm not racing to the mayan, i'm racing to a honduras meeting.

mondays: 6:45 a.m. train to work. (repeat for subsequent days)
catch 4:40 train to downtown l.a. hop on the metro and go straight to
hollywood for kick ball. hey, this is serious. we're in the playoffs.

tuesdays: band rehearsal in pasadena at 7:30 p.m.

wednesdays: free night to do grocery shopping, laundry, run errands, etc.

thursday: drive to work. leave at 6:15 a.m.
every other thursday ... the scene (production small group for mosaic)
the other thursdays ... post production meetings for short film

friday: if i'm not at a work function in the evenings, i'm spending this night with
vince. :) lucky guy.

saturday: usually hanging out with vince and working on homework for my master's
classes and fielding emails from people in one of the aforementioned
groups.

what do i do in the summer when i have two evening classes? where are they going to fit? am i crazy? is it ok to have my hands in this many things? what's suffers as a result?

"even if you want the right things, you may make the wrong decisions based on your inability to prioritize the things that matter to you." erwin

i realized i'm so glad i didn't grow up in a big city. if i did, i never would have wanted to explore anything else. maybe i wouldn't have even known what it was like to be restless ... to want to discover or learn more. i'm also glad that when i go back to kansas, i'm not distracted or irritated with the decreased pace or silence anymore. and i love that i get anxious to go back to the traffic and chaos of l.a. towards the end of my visits. neither one is superior to the other ... one just seems to draw out the best in me more than the other.

i think that's the beauty of self-discovery. it's ok to think differently and act differently than your parents or the people you've always known. it doesn't make you less spiritual or intelligent, nor does it make you a heathen or disrespectful of the way you were raised. it makes you a human on a journey that just happens to look different than the environment you came from.

i've struggled with my own identity crisis for about the past five years (ha probably longer), but it became paramount when i moved to l.a. i felt myself come alive in ways that i was unfamiliar with. ways that seemed wrong and forbidden when compared to what i was always taught, but there was always something so refreshing about my new discoveries. just the idea of experiencing something new or embracing different ideas brought energy to my bones and life to my dying soul.

when i went back to kansas this time around, i felt like a new person. completely comfortable in who i have become in the past few years. it was such an incredible feeling. what i've learned is that, while i flesh out my beliefs and passions differently than i used to (or differently than some of my friends and family back home), it doesn't mean that i'm not motivated by the same Truth that they are. it doesn't mean i've "fallen off the wagon" or that "l.a. has ruined me." it just means that i have found a way to tell my story and appreciate the stories of those around me.

kim ... i thank you for being my life coach (even if you didn't know you were). our conversation this weekend helped me articulate what i've learned without feeling like i was being judged or criticized.

tanner (my brilliant and objective brother), thanks for always understanding where i'm coming from ... even if you don't agree. i'm glad that our decisions, while taking us geographically farther away from each other, have actually helped us identify with one another more.

to all of the people i never spent time with when i actually lived in kansas (because my church friends were always more important) ... i'm really glad i've gotten to know you better. i'm so thankful that you allowed me to make mistakes and haven't dismissed God in my ignorance of what it meant to truly follow Him.

and to vince ... thanks for being there to pick me up from the airport every time i leave you. hopefully you're seeing a fun little pattern ... i always seem to make my way back to you.

so the lesson...

i've changed. a lot. but it doesn't mean that i've lost sight of what's important. and i know that it's easier to believe that who i was was the truest of myself, but is it also possible that i am finding a way to live that speaks to how i was created rather than how i was always suggested to be? this is why i'm not losing sleep at night ... because there is something greater going on around me that i'm suddenly aware of and i'd like to be a part of it ... even if it makes those who have known me for a long time uncomfortable.

a few zingers for my mind to process ...

you can’t see people unless you believe they exist.

... easier at embracing the universals than loving the individuals ...

thanks erwin.

here's what i'm thinking ... we gravitate towards particular cultures or subsets of cultures because there is something about them that communicates best who we are. i have to believe that there are people ... individuals ... that are stepping away from cultures that have defined them because they want more. i'm not satisfied with taking the easy road of caring for a nation. i want to actually get in a little deeper. i want to identify the people who fit into their cultures but are found wandering on the outside of it in hopes that there is something that resonates with them more authentically. it may require that i get dirty and forgo my own safety net, but i have to create a community ... a culture ... that brings the world together in a different way.

since i've moved to the center of l.a., i've found myself in a constant state of movement. i like it. i really do.

but here's the deal.

i've spent my entire california life being far enough away from the action that it wasn't feasible for me to be involved, that now i'm kicking it into overdrive (it seems) to make up for lost time.

it's ok that i only have one free evening. but it's not so much ok that there are multiple nights where i'm trying to do two or three things in one evening. why do i think it's ok to come straight home, cram a work out into my schedule, change, race downstairs to the metro, go to a meeting and then try and make it to a social event afterwards? seriously. that's ridiculous.

so i'm going to spend some time this weekend prioritizing ... after i finish my retreat, go to scribble, catch a movie with some friends, hang out in orange county and work a full day at the mayan. hmmm ...

i was in a conference all day yesterday so i couldn't post this on the actual "anniversary" but i still think it's important.

one year ago yesterday, 32 students and professors were killed in their classrooms at virginia tech. because of this, 25,000 students have joined a grass roots organization that advocates carrying weapons on campus.

"Would you rather just sit there and cower underneath a desk when someone executes you or would you rather have a chance to defend your life? That's what it really boils down to." Michael Flitcraft, a 23-year-old sophomore at the University of Cincinnati.

i see both sides of the argument. both the logical and the illogical aspects of students carrying weapons to protect themselves. as someone who works at a university, i would like the chance to defend not only myself but the students in my program.

what do you think? what are your values? would you compromise them if it meant the preservation of your life?

i like to be mobile. i like to know that i can anywhere and everywhere whenever i need or want to.

i'm also the same person that feels like they're only accomplishing a small fraction of what they should be accomplishing at the ripe age of 25 when they have meetings and events to attend each and every day.

but just as much as i find joy out of being mobile (or bi-polar as some may argue) i have found recently that i get even more energy out of mobilizing others.

i think i have just realized what i'll be devoting my talents to, in some shape or form, for the rest of my life. yay! :)

this week was all about perspective and, well … getting a new one.

i have a lot of ideas. some are good. some are terrible. and some are just inaccurate. i think i finally realized this week that if i really want to be a person of influence and if i really want to change the world …

i’m going to have to change my perspective. and not just this once.

you see, i’m a part of a generation of people who believe that we’re going to do something that has never been done before. we’re going to change the course of humanity with our witty intellect and passion for social entrepreneurial ventures. qe also believe we are fully capable of taking on a world and changing it even though it is wrought with a history of decisions that have been repeated for generations.

this is where my life lesson came in this week …

There are pieces of my own perception of how the world works that have kept me from considering the possibilities of taking something familiar and redefining what it looks and feels like. this carries over into not only my relationships, but my career and the way i interact with God and how i see the church as we know it. but in a moment of panic this weekend (legitimate panic, by the way), i dared God (not advisable when you actually need His help) to give me an answer … and this is what He came up with:

isaiah 43:18-19.”forget what happened long ago. don’t think about the past. i am creating something new. do you see it?”

this means i have to forget the former things to allow God to help create a new image in my mind. actually it says that he’s already doing something new, but i have to see it. (kind-of mentions this again in the bible in romans 12 ... "ransformed by the renewing of our minds") he’s not going to microwave the old way in order for me to feast on the tasteless leftovers… He’s doing something new. which means, if i get out of my little bubble and explore the possibilities around me … i may just stumble on something revolutionary … something that, if it doesn’t change the world, will certainly change me and my sphere of influence.

there have been multiple conversations and references this week that have led me to believe that something monumental is occurring in my life. that God is actually whispering something specific to all of us that doesn’t come with a formula or owner’s manual. perhaps we’re ignoring it because it isn’t logical or doesn’t fit the conservative views of our Christian radio hosts or maybe it even goes against what we've always been taught.

i honestly believe that He’s waiting for people to hear His voice, and not the voices of everyone else around them … to do something that has never been done before. something, again, that will change the way see the world and our role in it. something that was mean for me and for you that perhaps would never have worked for our parents or our high school friends or even our youth group pastor.

i'm just sayin. i think God is creative enough to do something funky and new with even the most basic things. and i want to be in on it.