still chasing

Not to be entirely pessimistic, but I'm beginning to think the whole notion of "following your dreams" has been a bit misleading.

I'll explain.

When I decided to go chasing down my pipe dreams, I didn't anticipate finding new ones in the process. As I realized there were more ways than one to exercise my passions, I found myself overwhelmed and confused by the seemingly endless possibilities.

Before I knew it, I was at a crossroads where the dream that had driven me to this new life was no longer the reason I chose to stay, leaving me paralyzed. I starting to ask myself, "Am I supposed to chase ALL of my dreams? Or do I keep moving forward with the first one ... ignoring all the shiny diversions?"

I keep looking back, wondering if these new dreams will have as much fuel to drive me to new and challenging places as the original one did. Or was that first dream born of an overtly passionate 20-something who, in her naivete, stepped unknowingly into something much larger than herself? Will this older 20-something, in her infinite wisdom about all things life (heavy sarcasm), ever be so naive as to make a leap so reckless again? Did she settle for the 'safer' of the two (devil's advocate. Starting your own company is never the safer of the two - economically. I'm talking emotional security here). I would over-think this so much if it were not for the nagging of the old dream that still lingers just below the surface.

After spending the weekend in Kansas with family and old friends, I was reminded of the passions that once laced every conversation and motivation. I definitely had a personal brand that led everyone to inquire about one thing ... music. And I couldn't help but wonder if I gave up too soon ... hiding behind realism and my ever-logical notion of not wanting to blend in with the crowd. Because, let's be honest, how could a girl from Kansas who doesn't write her own music or lead with her own guitar make it in the music industry without a distinct voice? I wouldn't even buy my records. So, I'd rather help you ... the talented one ... step onto a platform your worthy of. You know, be your manager or run the tour, which was always the fun business route.

But I'm not doing that either.

Not even a trace that initial dream in my current life. And if I were totally honest ... it makes me nauseous.

My point? I'm not sure if I have one. Other than some dreams don't seem to die as you become interested in others. And I'm just wondering if the ones that come back to haunt you are worth dusting back off and pursuing again, or if they are just another piece of nostalgia that remind of you of who you once were (which, by the way, is still a part of ... you). And just for the sake of finding some gray area, is there a way to merge the two? If not, I fear that "following my dreams" will make me even more ADD than I already am. Because, seriously, who only has one dream?

parenthood

So, the husband and I got a dog.

A really cute one.

In fact, she's throwing a ball to herself as we speak which I find especially endearing. Reminds of the only child who has an imaginary friend.

Anyway, we became parents rather suddenly. Some friends of some friends found said puppy on the side of an L.A. freeway. Through a series of events, she landed in our possession completely unharmed and full of energy.

We were thrilled ... a bit nervous ... and totally unprepared.

Which is what I would imagine "real" parenthood is like.

Aside from the sudden change in my daily routine, the duties of disciplining and potty training and the incessant picture taking when she does, yet another, super cute (fill in the blank) ... I've been humbled by the arrogance of a previous theory that children/pets are a reflection of their parents.

While in most cases this is, in fact, truth, I feel the greater epiphany lies in the idea that one shouldn't judge unless one has been there herself.

Parenting is hard. Even if what you are parenting is merely a 6-month-old puggle mutt. I can't imagine how we would have made it our first week without Google. And although I still hold to my belief that pet/child owners could be more responsible and lead with greater conviction ... there are just some things you're going to have to take the dirty looks for. Dirty looks that I will now be less generous with in Target if your two children are squeezing doggie toys or if your puppy pees on my floor.

would you be you if ...

If you lived in a different time period?

Seriously though.

I often wonder if I'd be as blunt if I lived in the 50's.

Would I have been so disgusted with racism before the civil rights movement had I lived then? Would I have done something about it?

Would I have had the opportunity to travel, to obtain a master's degree ... to even go to college?

What would my filmmaker husband be so passionate about if he were born in the late 1800's?

Makes me feel like we were created for this exact time in human history for a reason. (Yeah, I know ... maybe I should have been born in the 60's so I could have joined the rest of the New Age movement philosophers).

But seriously. Even if I didn't believe I'm here on this earth for a reason, I still can't help but wonder what I can do with the life I have that people before me could only dream of doing.

i'm back

The blog hiatus has ended.

Life quickly went from pre-wedding to wedding to honeymoon madness during my time away and I'm still not sure I have anything to report that would make much sense as I'm very much living life in a blur.

I was talking to a friend last night and said, "Before the wedding, I felt restless because I just wanted this new life to begin. The wedding was the only thing standing in the way of that and I poured myself into making it a good experience for everyone. When it was actually happening, I tried to do what everyone had told me, 'stop and take it all in because it goes by so quickly.' In fact, there were a few moments that I remember vividly because I stopped and just let it soak in. But now ... well ... what do I do now?"

With no job to go back to, no wedding to-do list to tackle ... I feel a very real lack of purpose. And as most of you know, my "work" has typically been used as a validator for my sense of self-worth. (That and a very unhealthy need for approval from other people). I digress.

I've gotten quite good at loading and unloading the dishwasher, putting clothes away, keep the plants watered and setting out meat to thaw for dinner. Which, to be honest, is impressive (for me). And in my first week back to reality, I've realized I have a lot to learn about being a wife - getting my husband's favorite donut right for starters. (For the record, it's a regular cake donut with regular icing and sprinkles, NOT chocolate icing.)

In the meantime, I'm trying to take advantage of this opportunity to figure out what my real contribution to this world is going to be. There's something about getting a new name that makes me feel like I have a clean slate ... like I have a choice for who I become (I know, I had a chance with the last name too. Humor me).

Even if it's an allusion, the idea of redefining life from a 'new me's' perspective is intriguing. So. I'm gonna run with it and see what happens. Maybe I'll run into the me I was created to be in the first place. Or maybe I'll realize that who I've been this whole time is exactly who I was meant to be. Either way, it's nice to have the space to explore.

Lessons on being resilient

Last week, a few things happened that reminded me how crucial the combination of resourcefulness AND resilience is in surviving major transitions.

1. The contract that had been pushed back until the fall of this year. (Read previous entry)

2. The bumper that fell off, which led to the misuse of hair ties and a roadside epiphany. (Again, refer to previous entry)

3. My busted teeth. So I've had some pretty intense pain in the last month in my lower gum region. I initially thought my wisdom teeth were choosing the most inopportune time to come in and wreak havoc, but then the pain became concentrated to a specific tooth. Since I've never had a cavity, I assumed I'd either need to have a filling or get a root canal (since I'm a dental expert and all). Knowing that I won't have insurance for another few weeks, I kept pushing it off ... that is ... until I spent an entire night with two bags of frozen peas on my face.

So, I called a family friend and she got me in to see her boss (aka ... the dentist). They took an xray and saw ... nothing. No cavity, thus, no root canal. And they didn't even see wisdom teeth. She suggested I start taking Advil and try to lessen my stress load.

Awesome.

4. Oh, on my way to said dentist office ... my check engine light came on. Yeah. I was in Orange County, already late to my appointment because I was lost and now my engine light was on.

"How does my car know it's being held together by hair ties?" Ugh.

I procede to the dentist, have them tell me I need to calm down, have lunch with the future mom-in-law to take a breather and then head to a mechanic who then told me he had never seen that code come up before and that I'd be fine. He went ahead and cleared my car's computer and the light has been off since. Thank God, because I had an engagement party to throw and a fiance's film shoot to support within 24 hours of my dental/engine escapade.

What's the point of all this?

Life happens. And sometimes it happens all at once ... the good and the bad. I've always been pretty good at snapping back, but I have to admit ... this kind of stuff can make a person crazy. So, my suggestions when life happens (in an overwhelming "I'm getting married in less than a month, my teeth hurt and I don't have insurance, I'm not making any money and I have bills and my bumper just fell off " kind of way) ...

1. Re-evaluate finances and shuffle things around a bit. You may even need to ask for help (gulp)

2. Remember to keep hair ties handy OR make lemonade by offering your busted up car to a nice group of filmmakers who were looking for just this kind of prop for their car crash scene in a film so conveniently shooting the week of the incident.

3. Don't grind your teeth ... it causes inflammation and soreness. Oh, and shell out the money to take care of your body. I know times are tough, but times will always be tough when you're choosing between xrays and a mariachi band for your wedding's cocktail hour. So suck it up and pay for the tests.

4. There are things we just can't control. And as someone who likes to fret over those things specifically, I'm going to go on record and say, "it doesn't help." Grab a beverage of choice, some chocolate, maybe even a nice bubble bath and give yourself an hour to just calm the heck down. Because we all know this too shall pass ;)

Lessons on being resourceful

Today a few things happened that reminded me, being resourceful may be the only way I survive self-employment.

1. A contract that had been signed by a client, was retracted until the fall. Putting not only a huge financial strain on me personally for the coming months, but also reminding me that putting all my eggs in one basket ... not so much a great idea. So my frantic fingers went to work emailing every lead I've ever had and calling as many people as possible to get face time with people who may be interested in my product.

2. My bumper fell off this week. Yeah. We were able to put it back on with zip ties and it's actually quite sturdy. Except for one piece ... apparently. Which I realized as I was on the 22 freeway heading back from a meeting with aforementioned client. I pulled over, thinking I'd find that my entire bumper was dragging underneath my car. Alas, it was just a flap of it hitting my front tire. In my cute green heels and trendy little outfit, I kneeled under my car, surveyed the damage and decided two hair ties would have to do the job. And they did.

My point? First of all ... I just put my car back together with hair ties. Let's be honest ... that's pretty amazing. Not the safest, but definitely impressive.

Second ... being resourceful could very well be the one thing that separates you from the people who have consistent work and ... secure bumpers. Today was just enough to remind me that this trait will be my lifeline as an independent contractor and driver without AAA.

Here's to life's lemons ...

God

I've been thinking about these two questions a lot lately:

What do I think of God?

Who do I think He is?

I don't know if you watch Dexter, but if you do, you may understand where my growing paranoia with all things terrifying may come from.

I have escape plans. Lots of them. You can never be too prepared for a home-invasion.

But this deeply rooted fear that something bad is going to happen ... especially because my life is just a little too good to be true ... has consumed me. It causes me to spend time thinking of exit strategies and living in fear of what's around the corner or behind the shower curtain more than living in joy or celebration of the moment.

Now, you may be thinking, "then just stop watching that stupid show." And, while I would agree that it certainly doesn't help ... the show and it's influence are not my biggest concerns.

My concern is that what I think about God and who I think He is plays a much larger role in my living in fear.

I would love to blame it on the fire and brimstone sermons I heard as a kid. Or the youth group revival talks where they say you can be hit by a car and die when you walk out of church that night (just to scare kids into accepting Christ). And who knows, that may very well have played a role.

But I'm 27 years old. I have a brain of my own and, consequently, can think for myself.

I'm fully aware people go to school and become religious leaders to guide people like me in my thinking of the subject. I just feel a little thinking and digging for myself was a more viable option.

So. I went to a Bible study.

Yes ... a legit Bible study with a bunch of really cool girls my age. They aren't like the people I used to be in Bible study with. They're more ... honest ... real ... raw (can I say that?).

Anyway. We were reading Galatians 5. And I started to squirm a little. It took me a few times of reading through it to realize I could interact with the Scripture in a different way than I had done before.

I'm going to be real honest here. My most intimate interactions with the Bible came out of judgement. I was either trying to prove why I was right (and spending hours finding one measly verse that would validate my opinion) or trying to prove someone else's actions were wrong (and there are PLENTY of "Christian Living" books that helped me out there). I would occasionally stumble on passages that blew my mind and gave me a glimpse on how I should have been acting ... but I mostly used it as a metric for rules.

Let me tell you what I learned though.

The first sentence of this chapter is about freedom. God must care about freedom ... What I think of God and who I think He is did not jive with that. To me, he is a God of judgement. I remember being told multiple times that Satan only pays attention to people who are a threat to his mission. I used to think all my adversities could be attributed to the fact that I was doing something so detrimental to the work of evil in this world that obstacles were being thrown my way to deter me.

So. When things started going well for me ... I stopped reading the Bible and being so forward about my "religion." Why? Because I was tired. I was tired of the bad stuff and figured I'd lay low for a while on this whole God thing. I'd still talk to God and serve people and do all those moral things you're supposed to do ... But I certainly didn't want to be noticed. I'm not sure I had the energy for it anymore if that whole theory really was right.

But what this did eventually, was make me feel like I wasn't in the game. And in this passage it says, "You were running well; who hindered you from obeying the truth?"

Uh. Well ...

Your people. Those who claim to be "followers" kind-of left me a little jaded by this whole God thing. And I've just been trying to follow the rules close enough so I don't get yelled at. And what is truth anyway?

God is a God of rules. Lots of them.

Except, if you REALLY read this passage ... He's notsomuch. Because back in the day, all the churchy people kept this whole God thing reserved for people who were exactly like them. It was like a little club or secret society. It wasn't for people on the outside ... and God wasn't having it. It's obvious His "people" didn't quite get that ... but He made sure to repeat Himself until they started to catch on.

So. God is a God of equality. Everyone matters. Everyone.

The kicker: People who love God, are full of what He calls the fruit of the Spirit. I can recite these in my sleep (thanks Sunday school). But the one that stuck out ... Joy. I don't see that a lot. Especially in the traditional church. And if I do ... it's the creepy Christian kind-of joy that makes me feel like I'm in some weird cult.

But joy. Pure joy. I'd like that.

And if maybe I trusted God (which I think is the zinger here) ... I mean, really trusted Him and believed that His intentions aren't to test me or send me threw the ringer ... I may live more intentionally and certainly less fearful. Even if the possibility of the final episode of season 4's Dexter is possible ...

So, what do you think of God?