i just found out today (on facebook no less) that a guy i used to play in a band with was found dead in his home this morning.
usually hearing about deaths brings up the conversation that life is short. that we should seize the day. that you never know when your last breath will be.
which is all true, but not super fitting of my feelings right now.
right now i feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. confusion. and, not gonna lie, a little bit of fear.
guilt because i shouldn't have lost contact with him when i knew things had a tendency to get dicy in his life. sometimes it's just easier to pull the distance card and settle for a few facebook chats here and there in exchange for a real conversation beyond superficiality.
confusion as to how it got to this point when things seemed to going better for him ... no thanks to those of us who abandoned him when things got a little sketchy and complicated.
and fear because ... well ... this reminds me of how much i try to hide from in order to keep things less messy in my life. it reminds me that i avoid the difficult conversations with people i care about in order to maintain my existing approval rate. it reminds me that sometimes you have to choose to love people no matter how it seems.
because right now ... i'd rather he had known people were willing to fight for him than to have ended this alone.
for those of you who DID choose to stand by him and love him ... thank you for keeping him around long enough for me to have experienced some of his best moments.
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2 comments:
Isn't it funny what certain deaths inspire us to think of? I believe that suicides are the most difficult because the guilt is overwhelming. If I had called...or written, would he still have done it? I'm just glad that you are sympathetic and understanding of his plight, and the serious, dark thoughts that caused him to do something like this to himself. Rather than being angry, which many people would be, you are sad. And that is a gift to his memory.
not sure yet what the cause of death is ... but suicide isn't one of the options they have yet.
they say it may have been a heart attack ... but at 29? just really sad.
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