the end ... the beginning

i've said before that i kind-of feel like i'm in limbo. i think i said it in the months between giving my resignation and packing up for california. i think i've said it for my entire (almost) three years of living in california. and i say it now as a newly engaged person waiting to take on my new ... and oh-so-intimidating ... role of mrs. vincent masciale.

eek.

with certainty, i am struggling to say good bye to the old me. the me that dreamed of finding 'mr. right' and wondered (with shocking regularity) what it would be like to have someone actually make a commitment to spending the rest of their life with me. and to be perfectly honest ... that loss of hopeful anxiety for a future partner and dreaming big dreams as to what that life would look like (mostly because i knew it wasn't happening anytime soon) is really sad.

there was a time when life was about dreaming big, hollywood esque dreams. mainly because the chances of them happening were so slim. i mean, i had kind-of become accustomed to making romantic wish lists and never checking anything off.

until i made a move ... literally.

and now i'm checking things off one-by-one. and my list is getting smaller and more intimidating.

i keep thinking, "is this it? is this the end of my hopeful anxiety of this fairy tale life? is this the end of the girl-talks with friends at impromptu sleepovers?"

and then i slap myself and say, "woe is me for having a fiance and a life that even i drool over." i mean really. here i am crying over the pending death of krysta rinke all because i'm afraid that krysta masciale might not have as much to look forward to. i keep wondering if krysta masciale will do what krysta rinke is doing right now five years from now ... remembering the good ole days when things were so fresh and new and hopeful? or will she end up losing herself in a new name, piles of laundry and diapers?

the truth is. i don't know the answer to the future. but i know that i have to stop fearing that i'll become the wife and possibly mother that somewhere along the way stopped dreaming and hoping for a life of romance and adventure. and perhaps, be more concerned with the steps i'm taking now to loosen the reigns and allow God to turn my life upside down, yet again. because in all reality, where i am today started with one leap of faith that led me to the life i dreamed about five years ago in my apartment in kansas.

who would have thought it would all come true? heh. more shocking ... who would have thought i'd be scared to step into the life of my dreams after so many years of wishing they'd come true? i guess it's time to start a new list ...