in medias res :: reconciling the two

there is a reason traveling has become such a necessity for me in the recent years. and i used to think it was because of this sick sense of validation i received from "going away for business." it seemed regal. something i had always wanted to say. i began to think it was because everything was covered by my employer (which ... let's face it ... isn't too far from the truth). but what i realized on my latest trip to washington, d.c. was that i craved the space to just exist. no real responsibility, no real expectations. i just had to show up.

don delillo once wrote, "to be a tourist is to escape accountability. errors and failing don't cling to you the way they do back home. you're able to drift across continents and languages, suspending the operation of sound thought. tourism is the march of stupidity. you're expected to be stupid. the entire mechanism of the host country is geared to travelers acting stupidly. you walk around dazed, squinting into fold-out maps. being stupid is the pattern, the level and the norm. you can exist on this level for weeks and months without reprimand or dire consequence. together with thousands, you are granted immunities and broad freedoms. there is nothing to think about but the next shapeless event."

when i read this passage from a random book i picked up at a local dupont circle bookstore, i almost died. finally, someone knew how i felt ... someone had captured my increasing desire to lack the responsibility i secretly place on myself in the dark corners of my mind.

two days after i returned from d.c., i walked across the stage at graduation to receive my masters degree. a week after that, vince and i would close on our first home and begin a week of home-owner's boot camp.

and as i sit here ... my mind wanders to places where i can escape the question i, only a few months ago, thought i had the strength to answer ... what next? and the truth is ... i'm not sure i ever really thought past this point in my life.

as new dreams fill my mind with each room in the new house ... with each glance at my ring ... with each reminder of the endless opportunity in front of me ... i pause and beg for one more weekend away to introduce the old krysta, who set so many expectations for her adult self, to the adult krysta who met them and is ready to move forward.

who would have thought all of my dreams would have come true in their own way and led me to this place. this place of saying goodbye to the old life and trying to welcome the new without feeling guilty. because really ... i think my 6, 13, 17 and 22 year old self would be really proud that she made it to this point. and it's time to celebrate that.