turrets

i wear myself out.

to the point of undeniable exhaustion.

and often, i don't stop until i collapse.

this week has been one of those weeks (already). and all because i continue making the same mistakes over and over:

failing to filter thoughts in my at verbal communication and failure to deliver them appropriately.

it's pretty consistent, actually. and when something rubs me the wrong way, i lack both the discernment (a.k.a filter) when expressing my thoughts. oh, and that's another issue ... i, quite consistently, feel the need to express my thoughts.

you see. i haven't quite grasped that not everyone involved, holds the same passion for those points of contention as i. and while it's cute that people say, "you always know where you stand with krysta" or "you never have to guess what SHE'S thinking" it points more to my character flaw of pure ... selfishness.

the fact that it appears i care more about being heard (and let's be honest - being right) doesn't bode well for my future relationships (if i have any left post tirades). i'm well aware that this very turrets-like behavior is motivated by an insanely high level of insecurity and self-doubt. i'm also fully aware that my need to "speak up" derives from this inner fear that if i don't, i'll lose a part of who i am.

and that's the disappointing part. there is a piece of me that actually believes being less of a social catastrophy would mean stripping away my identity. and for someone who isn't quite sure who she is yet ... that's kind-of interesting.

my hope is that there will be a breaking point where i realize letting go of all these ridiculous fears is necessary for me to be a less irrational individual. until then ... approach with caution and patience.