chasing perfect

(August 23rd, 2006)

i’ve had a strange couple of days. the closer i get to finding a lucrative, highly intriguing job, the more i thrist for music, worship and building leaders. i’m so terrified of ending up in the same state of disatisfaction that i have been prone to that i freeze in the midst of similar opportunities.

why can’t i write my own story? who developed the mold that says i should be back in corporate america so quickly? where is the line between listening to those who care about me and are wise and following my heart?

then i also think, “am i too overzealous and stubborn in my thinking that i deserve to find the right job becaue i was created for excellence and want perfection at optimal standards simply because i’m passionate about my work?” arg. here i am moving for change, for a chance to become more like christ, to become alive - fully … and i’m finding the same mediocrity and apathy as before. i refuse to belive that it’s me and that it’s merely the nature of what im seaking after.

is what i’m chasing the problem to my discontent?

…
… “for my God is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond what i can ask or imagine, according to his power that works mightily in me,” eph. 3:20.

is this so engraved in my heart that i cringe at settling for anything less than what brings me fully alive? and is it so wrong to hold out for that abundance at the risk of being moderately irresponsible?